How to Not Argue

 Another Related Article: How Men Think

Daniel JohnsonWritten by: Daniel Johnson 

 

the women men adoreMaybe you’ve been in an argument recently with someone only to find that both parties ended up losing more from the relationship than it was ever worth arguing about.   There’s a saying in marriage, “there’s being right and then there’s being married”. This can be applied to any relationship you value. Arguing can make one of you right but any relationship has its limit on the amount it can take, and you may find that even though you’re right, you end up losing the one you care about. So here are some tips on how to not argue.

 

 

Emotional and Logical types

 

Understanding that there are 2 different types of people is important when it comes to how to not argue. There are emotional processors and logical thinkers. Logical thinkers will analyze and communicate using primarily words. They are skillful and direct in

 

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getting things done but can sometimes be insensitive. They need to understand that most people aren’t strictly logical thinkers and can fall somewhere in between the 2 

types of people. Emotional processors will rely on feelings, tones, and body language to communicate. Words to them aren’t just for communication but also for expression. They are more caring, loving, and empathetic.

 

 

 

The problem happens when a logical type and emotional type are trying to communicate. A logical type will use words to communicate, thinking that the other person will receive the communication because they have been clear and concise in their speech. This may not be true. Emotional types will receive the way words are used as the form of communication, not just their words. It is therefore suggested that a logical type use their emotions to communicate on the emotional type level. Begin by telling the other person how you feel about the situation; this brings communication into their world. Body language, tone, and gentleness are key in speech, not so much the speech itself. Listening for a logical type needs special attention in knowing that emotional types use words for expression sometimes. Hearing words like “we never spend time together anymore”,   to a logical type can seem like an accusation. However if understood that it is a form of expression, it can be understood as “I miss you”. It’s the two different levels of communication of speech and expression that loose words in translation. A logical type needs to spend more time listening and supporting than they think as opposed to talking. This will help out on how to not argue.

 

 

On the other end emotional types need to recognize the logical type’s way of communication. They need to try and not over analyze words being used to mean more that exactly what was used. Asking direct questions about what was meant as opposed to assuming is helpful here. An emotional type, during an argument is more sensitive than the logical type. So during which can interpret their words as an attack, when the truth is that logical types may just lack the delicacy needed in speech. This is because emotional types believe that their partner is using expression instead of speech. Each type believes their form of communication is the right and only way of doing so.

 

 

Logical types use speech where as emotional types use expression. Knowing which type people are and communicating on their level as well as understanding the way the other communicates can help people in how to not argue.

 

 

The Geneva conventions

 

Simply put, the Geneva conventions established how countries would treat people during war. In an argument many destructive things can happen. A lot of times multiple subjects will be brought up completely unrelated to the argument at hand. This usually results in fighting with no resolve in sight. How can there be a compromise for a solution when there is no focus on one subject. For this reason only 1 topic should be brought up at a time until a peaceful resolution is brought about. Also during arguments many hurtful and destructive words are exchanged. Take note that they are also completely unrelated and unnecessary to the discussion. They only do damage to each person’s self-esteem and shift the argument to direct slander. In the heat of an argument in can be difficult to cool off and establish peace. It is therefore that the topic of the Geneva conventions were brought up. When people aren’t arguing and are calm and collected, it should be agreed that neither party will use slanderous words during an argument and won’t change the subject during a fight. An agreement should be made on how to not argue and handle fights properly when you are not fighting. Sticking to this agreement is what’s important here. If done correctly it can bring about constructive and relationship building discussions instead of verbal brawling.      

 

 

 

When Words won’t do

 

If arguments usually end up in loud overwhelming battles between two people, it’s usually a result of not listening due to a lot of emotion. Talking at this point is useless. It’s suggested that both people communicate through letters. In writing the letter it gives both people a chance to cool off. The letter addressed to the other should contain; 1) how you feel about the subject, 2) words you want to say (nothing negative), 3) end it with something you like about the other person. It’s very likely that if this situation is repetitive, other issues from a person’s past are the true cause of battle. Feelings from the past could have been linked to words in the present. Fighting with your partner is like fighting with an imaginary ghost here. You need to recognize that the true enemy is the issue lurking from their past. Counseling may benefit a lot in this case.

 

 

A stitch in time saves 9

 

If arguments are left unresolved they can fester like an infection into something bigger. It’s therefore recommended that peaceful settlements are brought about as soon as possible, ideally before you go to sleep. The way these arguments are buried in the grave is through forgiveness, and the verbal expression of it. People by nature, love to hate and hold onto bitterness. How to not argue is done counter intuitively through forgiveness. Without forgiveness small arguments can combine to form bigger wounds. So before when you only had a small problem, you now have a large one. Without forgiveness, bitterness has a way of focusing too much attention on the small details of things. This will make things greater trouble than what they deserve to be. It’s very possible that your recent argument was all or in part due to past unresolved arguments.

 

 

Stop the Threats/Nagging

 

Some people after seeing it’s not going the way they wanted, resort to threats. What you should know is that small threats will never be able to change his mind and only damage the relationship. At the same time, some other women prefer to try and make their partners feel guilty or constantly nag their partners. Both these tactics result in little good with large negative results. Keeping calm and avoiding these instinctive ways is the best strategy. There are far better ways to solve the relationship problems.

 

 

Explaining the why

 

Explaining the why can be very helpful in how to not argue. Have you ever been told as a child not to do something because someone said so? Only as a result you did it anyway. The reason why we shouldn’t do something is probably more important than the what. If you’re spending the time arguing about what he shouldn’t be doing, it’s less effective than taking the time to explain how it makes you feel and why it’s important. He needs to know clearly what your feelings are as opposed to what he can’t do. Men don’t like being told what to do. He’ll better react to a situation if he clearly knows why it’s important to you. After all he does love you and wants to support you; he just doesn’t want to be limited in what he can do. Take the time to clearly write down why you feel the way you do, then approach him. Don’t focus on what he can or cannot do, he’ll figure that out by himself once he knows the why.

 

 

How to not argue through gentleness

 

Which is easier for you to appeal to,someone you don’t know asking you to do something, or someone who loves you asking you to do something? Don’t just come at your man what whatever it is you want or don’t want him to do. Approach him in a loving way, ask how his day was, spend a bit of time talking about something else first. Then after, ask gently and lovingly. In this fast paced world people expect instant results. Giving him the time he needs to relax and get things done is what’s needed. Respect the timeframe he has in his mind. If it’s a talk about your relationship give him the time he needs if he seems like he doesn’t want to talk. Gently let him know you do want to talk about the issue at a later time. A gentle a loving word is stronger than loud words spoken.

 

 

The Point System

 

Understanding the 'point system' is useful in how to not argue.  In relationships and in the difference between men and women there is a hidden 'point system'. For example if you were to have dinner together with your parents, you may enjoy it, so you would rank it a 9. He on the other hand would rather be spending time watching the game, so he would give it a 5. Cooking dinner for you may mean a 3 course meal so its equivalent to a 6. To him it’s just one dish with potatoes so it’s an 8. Little differences can add up throughout the day or even week. An unbalanced point output coming from one party member even though both parties are contributing can result in unhappiness. What’s needed here is communication and understanding that different tasks can mean different points to each person. 

 

 

High maintenance/ low maintenance

 

Understanding what maintenance each person is in a relationship can result in less arguing. If one person creates a high level of mess while the other isn’t much of a messy person, expecting the cleaning to be done fairly can be unfair. On the emotional level if one person is really demanding and the other person is more independent, the more demanding person’s needs can be heavy on the other who’s not used to carrying such an emotional load. In this situation it could be necessary to bring in a good friend to talk to or someone else close. Having a clear understanding on each persons limits is important on how to not argue.

 

 

Compromising

 

It could be that wanting the whole package is too much. If wanting something one way would mean making your partner unhappy but wanting it the other way just results in your unhappiness, compromise is needed here. There is usually more than one right answer in many situations, have you explored all the possibilities? Bring in friends and family; get their input on the situation. It’s very possible that they can see a solution to your problem which you’ve never considered.

 

 

Bribes

 

Many people don’t likes doing things without any benefits. In this world people work because they know it will result in a good outcome, money. If no money were paid to them, believe me they would stop working. Relationships are about fair compromises right? Rather than taking the time and energy arguing over an issue, try bribing him. It can be something as small as making his favorite meal in exchange for your way of getting it done. Even reminding him of the little things you did for him today which he took for granted, before asking something from him.

 

 

Sometimes it’s not the issue in itself, but the way you bring it up. Hopefully these tips can result in better ways of resolving your issues and help the two of you on how to not argue.

 

 

 

 

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